How are you feeling today? I hope you’re feeling like anything is possible.
Because you know, i think that really it is! It’s just a little hard to feel that way sometimes, of course. Maybe ESPECIALLY on a dreary Thursday, and especially when your life feels topsy turvy. I think it’s important to just try to just reflect on a time where maybe you FELT like things didn’t work out, but they did– remind yourself that this is a thing that is possible, and that it all comes within you.
As promised and in sticking with my theme of documenting my slow departure from the world of prescription medication, here is post number two –
The start of this past week…WAS HORRIBLE. Crippling, actually. And no, i didn’t have a ‘bad day’, not in the usual sense of that term. My day was actually pretty average, and even good! I had a manageable day at work, where I am figuring out the ropes more and more and feeling more settled. I came home and my lovely girlfriend made us dinner. We then set out for a stroll up to a local brewery to have a drink and catch up with a bunch of great friends.
So all in all, not a bad sounding Monday right? RIGHT! Why the other day was horrible was not because of WHAT happened, not externally anyway. It was because of the fact that I think my body has finally figured out my angle. I could feel my energy slowly slipping away a little more day by day, but finally the last 3 days or so, I was feeling myself break. So i cried. And cried and cried and cried, and gasped and freaked out and cried some more. And then things were quiet. The stress of a new job, slowly planning for a move with my girlfriend, and lots of little things like losing my buss pass, my phone kicking the bucket, etc. just all feels like one big insurmountable mass.
And it shouldn’t, end of story. Stressful? sure. Inconvenient? Absolutely! A lot of work? YOU BETCHA. But not insurmountable, not one single bit. THAT is my depression and anxiety at work.
I can feel it’s pull, and I can feel how alluring that is; how familiar. To crawl back into bed beside it and shut out all responsibility, all the goals i’ve set for myself, all the progress i’ve made. That’s what it wants for me. To shut everything out except IT. And my frustration grows, because I refuse to give in to it.
What I wonder, however, is if I am able to do this just yet without my medication. Like I said in entry #1, the plan was never for me to be on them forever. It was never for it to be a permanent crutch. However, I think I also need to keep my mind open to the fact that that COULD be the way things go. After all, the last 4 years I’ve tried to not treat my cipralex as anything ‘special’. I just take it in the morning and then not give it really any credit throughout the day. So in theory, it wouldn’t be a problem. But inside, I know that I don’t want that to be my reality.
I want to be the person that chases my goals without fear, unrelenting. I want to create every day, and I want to share and revel in that with people I love. I want to be in control of my OCD tendencies. I want to say ‘yes’ to all opportunities and adventures. I want to be present, rather than constantly living 2 weeks or 2 months ahead of myself. I want to be comfortable starting up interesting conversations with people I just met. I want to feel confident and fearless in my beliefs and my work everyday.
But of course, I am only human. And on top of that, depression, (for myself anyway), causes me to fade in the background. It causes confidence to wane and fear to have the final say.
So where I am right this moment is fighting off fear, and fighting off the urge to give in to the familiar dark comforts of letting myself be controlled and letting myself feel vulnerable in the wrong way. I know vulnerability is actually a beautiful thing to show, and I’m a huge advocate for that. But the thing that scares me is that there’s even the slightest possibility of becoming completely vulnerable to the thing that stripped me of so much power in the first place, and left me having to rebuild again. That is the last thing in the world that I will let happen this time. I don’t want to be a slave to my mind ever again!
On Monday, after a conversation with my mother and some thinking on the subject, I’ve decided to take my dose back up to 1/2 of a pill (5 mgs). I’m gonna do that for a couple weeks and see how it goes. I’m going to go to the clinic, get my prescription refilled and have some more ready on hand. I might even pay a visit to my counsellor that I haven’t seen in months, just to touch base and be reminded of all the tools that I’ve learned over the years, and how i can adapt them to right now.
I don’t see upping my dose as taking an easy way out. I think it’s the opposite in fact! It’s acknowledging that I can’t let myself be so vulnerable to the chemically imbalanced demons of my mind during a time of complete upheaval in my life (however good that upheaval might be). And in a way, that’s harder for me than continuing this way- because I didn’t want to HAVE to up the dose. I wanted to believe I wouldn’t have to. I believed I was full ready, and I think I am. But i think I’m also learning that commitment to this means a couple things:
- More patience and time than I bargained for
- Acceptance that the meds are only ‘trying to help’
- Acceptance that maybe…maybe it IS too soon. There is never a perfect time to try going off meds, but there is maybe a ‘better’ time. So i will continue the fight with a bit more protection, and I will continue to back off on the dose as my life gains more and more stability.
So that’s all, folks!
I promise you I am A OK. And I have a wonderful support system and I know I’m gonna push through this rough spot and come out feeling just peachy again.
Just keepin’ it real for you.
Have an inspired day!
-Spirit Sister- Nicolle-